Garbage Gate Revealed!

MISTER GARBAGE
AP New Orleans 2008

Though media and criminal investigations have recently cast a shadow over the industry, a new partnership announced Sunday between Sydney Torres' SDT Enterprises, FEMA, and the Army Corps of Engineers promises to spark a renaissance of the waste disposal industry in Louisiana while simultaneously saving local wetlands. The daring new plan was revealed in
a press conference at the Ritz Carlton Hotel Sunday afternoon by Sydney Torres, flanked by Corps of Engineers leaders, former St. Bernard parish president Henry 'Junior' Rodriguez, FEMA officials and rock / rap crossover artist Kid Rock.
As Mr. Rock performed a rendition of his famous hit Cow-Boy, Torres spoke to members of the press and described the scheme to fill in the eroding wetlands with a mixture of garbage, sewerage and medical waste. The first stage of the ambitious plan started Monday as the Corps of Engineers begins dumping huge quantities of offal into the dangerous Mississippi River Gulf Outlet or “Mister GO” which critics have accused of funneling floodwaters into the Industrial Canal, flooding St. Bernard Parish and the Lower Ninth Ward during Katrina, as well as threatening the French Quarter and Upper Ninth Ward yet again during Hurricane Gustav.
“Everyone knows the wetlands are receding, we are losing miles of coastline and millions of tons of mud and filth every day.” Mr. Rodriguez interjected. “The Corps of Engineers has had so much trouble finding material to make levees they've been using pine needles and newspaper. Meanwhile, we have a massive pile of garbage, trash, filth, rubbish and sewerage which is perpetually growing and spilling out of our landfills." Mr. Torres picked up: "It’s literally a no-brainer, I can’t believe no one's ever thought of this before. Our ingenious plan literally kills two birds with one stone, and instead of a receding coastline, we will soon have a perpetually expanding coastline - a coastline made of garbage.”

Lieutenant General Robert L. Van Antwerp, Commander of the Army Corps of Engineers, interrupted: "The sort of fill we're talking about here isn't like the types of fill the State has used in the past. The previous fills, such as discarded Christmas trees, had to be bound with wires and stakes to keep it in place. Our baseline fill here, which will be distributed to critical areas via pre-existing oil and gas infrastructure and delivered via a system of solar powered spigots, has viscosity, is nutrient-rich and will naturally sink to where ever it's most needed. At this point the project will go Stage 2, and heavier, more durable fill will be brought in by truck and rail. I might add that although we will be utilizing the waste assets of the entire nation in this endeavor, all the technology was produced right here in the State of Louisiana."

Environmentalists and others have criticized the plan, pointing out that garbage is toxic and could possibly damage the environment and harm wildlife. Arriving late to a levee photo-op in New Orleans East Tuesday in his characteristic glossy black chrome-rimmed bus cum mobile command bunker - and flanked by an intimidating thirty vehicle escort of tiny Bull class sidewalk sweepers - Torres bristled at the accusation. “What do you think a wetland is? Go smell the swamp and tell me it smells better that" he said, incredulously, pointing to his lemon scented fleet of satellite traceable sanitation units. "What do you think it’s made of? We are talking about Louisiana here - St. Bernard, Plaquemines, Lafourche parish. That’s not the French Riviera out there, trust me I know, I have a house in Cannes.”
Noticing a bag of medical waste lodged against a used tractor tire and partially submerged near the muddy bank of the MRGO canal, Torres expanded upon his theme. The bag, containing tumors, liposuction fat, used catheters and a severed hand, was being gently teased open by a gathering flock of crabs as a snowy egret perched elegantly atop it. “You see? Nature does not have the same prejudices as man. Meat is meat, mud is mud. Everything has its place. Garbage is natural. Before you threw it away, it was part of your life. Now it will be part of our wetlands.”

PLAN POPULAR WITH LOCAL BUSINESS LEADERS

Edward Diefenthal, prominent philanthropist, GOP contributor and owner of Southern Scrap Recycling, was one of many businessmen who were openly enthusiastic about the new plan. “Let me tell you something: that Sydney Torres is a genius. Scrap is a huge growth industry in Louisiana. Over 90% of this State is ready for the scrap heap, including half the major buildings in the CBD. If the Coast Guard would simply stop harassing honest businessmen with their stifling regulations we could get something done and bring good jobs to this region collecting, dismantling, and scrapping everything around us."
"The State of Louisiana is shooting itself in the foot with vicious, socialist regulations that are killing business. I had a bungee cord on every single one of those god damn barges in the Industrial Canal, it was an act of god they all got loose. I can’t stop the wind from blowing. Now they want to put me in jail instead of letting me and Sydney Torres bring some good garbage jobs to this State. Over a few bad apples in a scrapyard? Dumping trash in St. Bernard? Isn't that like dumping water in the river? This kind of communist foolishness could never happen in China.”

CRIMINAL ALLEGATIONS THREATEN TO DISRUPT

But criminal allegations haunt the industry, and it is possible that the bold new initiative will be disrupted by ongoing criminal investigations which threaten to jail many of the key developers. At a rare press conference outside a Violet, LA. landfill, former St. Bernard Parish President Henry 'Junior' Rodriguez reflected on family, his recent criminal indictments, and the possibility of serving prison time.

You see this dump? My grandmother built this garbage dump in 1957 and it was the first female ... women owned business in this parish ... in the State of Louisiana. So we know something about civil rights. She opened this dump in defiance of the Eisenhower administration the minute ... the second she started throwing trash in her own backyard. Pretty soon the whole neighborhood was doing it. Now I call that community."
"Prison? Of course I know I’m going to end up in prison, just like my father before me and my grandfather before him. You think I’m stupid? I've been planning for it my whole life" he said, dunking a deep fried spam muffuletta into his almost- empty 64 oz. eggnog daiquiri. Tossing the enormous cup into the landfill behind him, he continued, eating: "The fact is, every person born in Southeast Louisiana is going to end up in prison. Everyone here goes to prison, except the ones that die of heart or liver disease first. Everybody and everything here is totally corrupt. Everything. Even little puppies are corrupt here. But I’m not going to end up in Angola cutting sugar cane like most of these idiots, I’m going to Club Fed after making a lot of people very rich along the way, like my dad before me and his dad before him. They weren’t stupid either. And let me tell you something you little punk, some people come here a few years and think they are above it all, stay long enough and you’ll end up in prison too you got a lot less of an idea how many different ways you can get in trouble. We’ll see which one of us is wearing lime kool-aid eye shadow and the speedo drawers ten years from now.”



NEIGHBORHOOD RESIDENTS AMBIVALENT

Richard LeBoeuf, 26, commented on Junior Rodruiguez' remarks to a reporter at the corner of Poland and Marais in the upper ninth ward. “He’s damn sure right about that. At 26 years old still alive and a free man, I’m way ahead of the curve. I just hope I can buy my mama a new house before somebody cap me. But times are tough. Much as the NOPD want in they pocket to mind they business these days, its hardly even worth it, sometimes I feel like dropping a dime on myself to Crimestoppers and go retire early to Angola. But that’s bullshit. I ain’t gonna leave my mama hanging, she can’t get shit from Road Home. Though she on the list for Brad Pitt to put a Solar Panel on her roof.”

But other local residents were slightly more positive, such as Ms. Rosarie Justice, 72 of Gentilly. “That Lee Zurich is a troublemaker. I pray to the Virgin Mary every night that he gets hit by a aneurysm. I think it’s just terrible that they are being so mean to that nice man Sydney Torres. He did such a good job cleaning up the French Quarters over there by the beautiful St. Louis Cathedral. It smells just like nice lemons, like heaven and angels. Harry Lee would never have bothered that man, gawd rest his soul.”

ACTIVIST YOUTH MAY RESIST THE NEW PLAN

But there is a new presence in New Orleans, politically active and educated young people from many northern states are moving in increasing numbers to the hip neighborhoods of Tremé, the Irish Channel and the Bywater where they participate in a radically alternative lifestyle. Their fierce dedication to political activism threatens to turn the Ninth Ward into the kind of battlefield Seattle became in 1999 or Athens in December 2008.

“I only drink Soy Milk”, Howard Irving Pierson, formerly of Seattle confided. “I have a low rider bike which is totally green, and I never drink beer that has whey in it.” he added, adjusting his ear plugs. “New Orleans is awesome. I mean look at how wrecked everything is. Isn’t that awesome? I went to an underground burlesque show in an abandoned funeral home yesterday, how cool is that? It’s like being in the third world except with running water and electricity.”

Howard paused as a car with tinted windows and over sized rims prowled by, filling the street with a rhythmic clicking sound and a loud bass line.

“I used to feel really scared in New Orleans, until I got all these tattoos. Now I’m totally sleeved, nobody will fuck with me, I mean look at that, I got a spiderweb and everything. Hey do you know where do get some coke this time of day?

GOVERNOR JINDAL PROMISES TO FAST TRACK LEGISLATION

After unanimous approval in both Louisiana houses, some were worried about executive approval of the two page Save Our Wetlands IV: A New Hope Act Governor Piyush Jindal assured business leaders Thursday that nothing could be further from the truth. Speaking from a newly privatized parking lot just outside the Capitol Building, Governor Jindal expressed his renewed faith in business leaders and markets and addressed doubts many hold concerning the various criminal indictments surrounding the project, including Mr. Torres' alleged dumping of raw sewerage in City Park or Mr. Rodriguez' nephews alleged retaliatory burning of one of Mr. Torres' landfill properties in New Orleans East.
“Let me calm all doubts: this administration is fully prepared to use the power of pardon to further the interests of the consumers of this State and its coastline - excepting the case of elected officials who violated the public trust. The answer is, as always, less government. Government is not the answer to the problem. Government is the problem. It's time for government to get off the backs of these people and turn them loose to do what they do best!" Amidst thunderous applause, the executive stepped down from the podium, gave a short dedication to the new stewards of our coast, and then led a candlelit march towards the river where he ceremoniously set alight a towering forty foot pyramid of waste. In a surprise recapitulation of his earlier performance, Kid Rock descended the burning pyramid performing his new song Garbridge to Miami as Mr. Torres slowly circled the proceedings in an armada of glossy black garbage trucks, tiny bulldozers, street sweepers, self-propelled industrial drills, mobile bikini car wash stations, and his new DHS supplied six-wheeled amphibious contamination units. Edward “Ned” Diefenthal, CEO of Southern Recycling, added to the festivities by using every spare blower unit in his employ to scatter over 1.5 shredded tons of his companies past citations, subpoenas, affidavits and other pending legal documents over the crowd in a celebratory makeshift ticker-tape parade. All this while one of the largest fireworks shows ever discharged at the Capitol left most bystanders in a state of awe. Henry 'Junior' Rodriguez, the only elected official embroiled in the scandals, was almost unavailable for comment. "Pretty much how I expected" he said when asked about the ceremony, caught trying to tiptoe away through the darkness. "We all have our role to play, I'm not worried about it. Now, who is gonna clean up all this mess?"